Just some quick comparison pictures - almost 1 year to the date

 

 

Tribulations

I will someday figure out how to move these pictures around, I promise.  Thanks to all of you who have emailed me your personal stories and concerns because I have not posted lately.  My apologies, and even though I will not promise to be better, I will definitely promise to try.  I have a hard time believing anyone wants to hear about this stuff, as I've said before.  I am glad you do, though.  :)

I would like to start this off by saying that I understand that not everyone is going to know where I am coming from.  You can not possibly understand what it is like to be me, nor I to be you.  So please, please remember that before passing judgement on to anyone.  I completely  understand the feelings that arise when you see someone you perceive as being "lucky" or fortunate and you hear them complain.  I get that.  However, I started this blog with the promise to myself and to my readers that I was going to be completely honest about all feelings and situations that arise as a result of this process.  I am going to continue to do so, regardless of any responses I get.  I will reiterate at this point that I get how fortunate I am.  I am truly blessed beyond measure.  But as everyone knows, bad days happen.  We are emotional creatures by design, and any sort of major change that you go through - there will be trials and tribulations.  My promise is to share them all with you so that you will be fully informed on my journey, with the hopes that you will be better prepared for your own.  This blog was important to me so that I could share with my friends and family my story, but mostly so that other people thinking about going down the same path could see the whole truth - and nothing but.

Now the good news - I'm down over 100 lbs!!! What? What?  I am now at 279 lbs.  This time has seemed to fly by.  I cannot believe it's been six months since my surgery day.  I am exactly on target.  I can fit into some size 22 clothes, but my size is 24 - both of the pants you see in those pictures above are size 24.  Seeing my pants size drop, seeing the numbers on the scale go down, and hearing people that haven't seen me in a while notice the weight loss all help in convincing my distorted brain that this is indeed happening.  However, nothing has been as therapeutic as getting rid of the clothes that will no longer stay on my body.  It really felt like a cleansing.  I felt freed from the feelings of inadequacy that my clothes seemed to hold over me.  I didn't even realize until I was stuffing the 4 trash bags with my past, but those clothes really held me to a mentality that no matter what I wore, I would still not be attractive.  No matter how many layers, how much I spent on the clothes - I never felt "good" about how I looked.  I was satisfied, I was complacent with knowing that I was not hideous.  But the clothes I stuffed my body into became a safety blanket, of sorts.  I feel like I am not explaining this fully, but hopefully someone will understand.

Woah nelly!! My emotions have been all over the place.  Seriously.  When I say you find out who truly loves you during this process, I am not exaggerating by any means.  I feel great most days, and I am super happy.  But there are times I feel my psyche fighting the change.  I still feel sometimes like I am betraying myself.  Maybe I was fooling myself when I thought I was confident and secure in who I was.  My motivations and intentions seem to be a bit fluid at times.  I am still quite confident that the reason I fully committed to this path was generally for health reasons.  So that my body can be healthy and strong enough to support life.  My mind plays tricks on me at times, though.  Even though I may not have been as happy with my physical appearance as I thought I was, I am completely confident in my overall make-up.  I know I am not a vain person.  I know that I see beauty in every person I meet, and that will not change.  I actually feel pretty fragile and insecure most days.  I know this will change, I'm a strong woman and this will not break me.  But I am entitled to crawl into my shell and surround myself with positive people while I re-gain my strength.  I do not do well with hateful or negative people in general, but I'm especially susceptible to negative feelings right now.  The fat kid inside of me is pissed I'm getting rid of my protective layers.  Now I have to figure out how to feel secure without them.

I just want to end this by saying how I am humbled by your support.  You continue to inspire me, and restore my faith in humanity.  Your kind words, thoughts, prayers and positive energy  have carried me through some of the darkest days.  I take everything to heart, good or bad and most of you have done nothing but showered me with love and support.  I would have never imagined what an impact you all could have on me.  I thank you wholeheartedly.  I can only hope that each one of you go through a journey in your life where you are shown by your fellow human beings how kind and compassionate people are capable of being.  It is truly a life-altering experience.  Until next time, I wish you love and happiness.
<3

And another one down

I haven't done this whole blog thing in a while. My apologies to you who actually keep up with it. I have passed another goal - I am now under 300 lbs!!! Yes!! I just reached this milestone this week. I now weigh 298 lbs. Did you see that 2!! My weight starts with a 2?!?! Crazy!

Today I put on a size 24 for the first time (the first few pictures below). I have never been in a size 24 as an adult. Now... having said all of this, let me tell you exactly what's been going on with me. First of all, let me just say that even though I see the scale going down and I am getting countless compliments every day, I've never felt more fat and unattractive. I know - strange, huh? Maybe it's just a phase, I surely hope so. I do not want to sound unappreciative - I completely understand how fortunate I am. I know that it is a mental hang up, perhaps due to all the attention and stress I've been putting on the scale and watching my body. I've never really paid much attention to my "rolls" or my fat. And now I seem to be examining them constantly,... Oh! I've lost a back roll - seemingly overnight! Anyway - I digress - I think just constantly feeling my body and trying to notice changes is driving me a little batty.

This whole losing weight thing is a strange beast. I honestly cannot see my body shrinking. I think I look pretty much the same. Now, I'm not completely blind - like the before mentioned back roll that disappeared - I can obviously rationalize that if rolls are disappearing and the scale keeps going down, then I'm losing weight. I can tell things feel differently. I can see sagging skin, but it doesn't feel much different than fat. I'm not trying to be a whiney baby - I just want to be completely honest. And surprisingly, losing weight has not solved my money problems, has not cured my personality "hang - ups", and most definitately has not turned everyone else into smart and kind people. Meaning, losing weight is just that. I always thought my whole problem was that I was fat. If I could fix that, my life would be perfect. Guess what? There is no magical fairy that skinny people (not that I am skinny) have to make everything more tolerable. Damn!

That aside, I do have more energy. I notice myself sitting in positions I could not previously convince my body to do. I cross my legs because it's comfortable, I remember wanting and trying so hard to sit with my legs crossed and it just being too uncomfortable. There are also other "actvities" which have significantly gotten more interesting. let's just say my body does a whole lot more than it used to. I am super excited about this whole process. I am humbled by the support I've gotten - I just hope I move through this "not good enough" phase I'm going through right now. I am trying to take this whole period in my life one day at a time and breathe. Enjoy the small things, celebrate my accomplishments, and never ever take for granted what I've been blessed with.

A few pics from this past week

Sorry about the quality - my phone camera is terrible.

It's just me

Time is flying by much too quickly for my liking. I was reading back through the older blogs and I can hardly remember all that pain and suffering. I'm settling into my new life. I say new because things really are much different. I was getting frustrated by the portions I could eat. It was like seeing a whole plate of your favorite food and only being allowed to eat one bite of it. Forced self-control.

But now, it is easier. And every day that goes by things just get a little bit more normal, the new normal. Instead of getting frustrated at the amount I can eat, I just enjoy the bites I can take and then occupy my mind with something else. Usually talking - I LOVE socializing. It also helps that I have friends that love finishing my plate for me! That gets rid of the "finish your plate because there are starving children in Ethiopia" guilt that rings in my head at throwing away left overs. There ARE starving children, but this child is full!

People around me are getting used to things as well. I'm also getting such good advice and suggestions from all directions. I love it. No one has been judgemental or preachy about things, either. I find myself becoming pretty knowledgeable on food and exercise these days. It's odd. I still get the looks from strangers when I only eat a few bites. I can only imagine the thoughts - "I KNOW that girl can eat more than that!". Or when I say I do yoga the "uh huh, sure" looks I get. But people that know me and have walked on this journey with me, willingly listen to the things that are working for me. Please understand I am in no way downing myself with these comments, I'm just being real. As an overweight person my whole life, I've heard enough comments and have had enough of my own thoughts and reactions to people - I know how the brain works. Everyone judges books by their covers, even when it isn't who we are to do so. If that makes sense to anyone.

I would recommend to any of you going through this process and who are not married, to not date during this stage. Get used to your changing body, and take this time for yourself. Get yourself in order and try to focus on what serves you best. I have been letting other peoples problems and the pull to meet someone get in the way of my goals. I have to constantly remind myself that I am changing everything about the way my life has worked for the past 33 years. Now is not the time to start piling on new stress, responsibilities, or to commit yourself to anything other than reaching your goals. Find the time to settle into this new person who you've given birth to, quite literally.

This whole process my doctors and people in my life have reminded me how this whole process is very similar to child birth. I like to point out to them that I do not have a baby at the end. But, I just realized typing that last paragraph, that in some way I do have a new being... it's just me. From start I had to eat baby food and protein drinks to get used to my new stomach. Then slowly added soft foods, then small amounts of regular food. Still no sodas or beer (boo) - just like a baby going through the stages of eating. Huh. Interesting realization.

I hope you are all well on this Martin Luther King, Jr. day. Take the time to read a few quotes from a great man. It will feed your soul.

Updated pictures :)

Hi there :) I just thought I would update some pictures. Below is the current picture next to the first one taken - hopefully you can see a bit of a change. ;) Just a short post this time - hope you are all doing well!!

Bad scale!

I had my one month check up yesterday 12/03/2012. It was technically more like a month and half, but I'm not going to argue the details. Let me start this little story off by saying for the past two weeks my goal has been to get to 350 lbs so that I can weigh on a "regular" scale. I've been stepping on that damn scale every day and every day I've been heart broken when the big fat "E" displays. E meaning "you're too fat to be weighed with this scale". I asked my mom "are you sure this scale works??" with hope in my voice... "it works to weigh me" she says. Sad. So, every day, I cross my fingers and step on the scale only to have it silently scream "E!" at me.

I've been dreading this doctors appointment. I had all my excuses about the holiday treats I've been eating and how people at work basically held me down and stuffed cookies, candy, and other fattening treats down my throat. I even figured if I promise to do better this month that maybe he wouldn't be too mad and write me off as being the only one who failed at losing weight after a weight LOSS surgery. Reggie (the nurse) calls me back and I slowly walk toward the digital scales we stop at every appointment. I step up and the scale starts calculating my weight. Just as I am about to start stammering out my explainations to Reggie 343.6 pops up on the scale! What?! WTH!?! I totally missed reaching my first goal!! He reads my face and asks if I am surprised by the number. I am surprised, excited, and relieved all at once. I am floating on cloud 9 through the whole rest of the visit. Doctor Smith tells me how happy he is with my progress. Wow! This is a COMPLETELY different appointment than I had anticipated.

Everything else about the appointment went just fine as well. I explained that I took myself off of all the medications he gave me for nausea, bowel movements, and the strange smells/tastes I had. He said that was perfectly fine since I have been feeling better. We made another apointment for the end of February where he will take blood to show my levels. And that was it! Over - sweet! So now I know... if I eat a bunch of junk I will feel bad, and it will slow my weight loss, but I will still lose weight. Get out of jail free card? Not so much... it really isn't worth the crappy feeling the next day.

So that is 37 lbs since my surgery 54 lbs since July. Not too shabby... I do not think I've lost 54 lbs in an entire year ever, much less half a year. So now I need to relax, treat my body well, and just have faith that this whole process is going to work for me. All of my hard work and diligence has actually shown some results - go figure!