Tribulations

I will someday figure out how to move these pictures around, I promise.  Thanks to all of you who have emailed me your personal stories and concerns because I have not posted lately.  My apologies, and even though I will not promise to be better, I will definitely promise to try.  I have a hard time believing anyone wants to hear about this stuff, as I've said before.  I am glad you do, though.  :)

I would like to start this off by saying that I understand that not everyone is going to know where I am coming from.  You can not possibly understand what it is like to be me, nor I to be you.  So please, please remember that before passing judgement on to anyone.  I completely  understand the feelings that arise when you see someone you perceive as being "lucky" or fortunate and you hear them complain.  I get that.  However, I started this blog with the promise to myself and to my readers that I was going to be completely honest about all feelings and situations that arise as a result of this process.  I am going to continue to do so, regardless of any responses I get.  I will reiterate at this point that I get how fortunate I am.  I am truly blessed beyond measure.  But as everyone knows, bad days happen.  We are emotional creatures by design, and any sort of major change that you go through - there will be trials and tribulations.  My promise is to share them all with you so that you will be fully informed on my journey, with the hopes that you will be better prepared for your own.  This blog was important to me so that I could share with my friends and family my story, but mostly so that other people thinking about going down the same path could see the whole truth - and nothing but.

Now the good news - I'm down over 100 lbs!!! What? What?  I am now at 279 lbs.  This time has seemed to fly by.  I cannot believe it's been six months since my surgery day.  I am exactly on target.  I can fit into some size 22 clothes, but my size is 24 - both of the pants you see in those pictures above are size 24.  Seeing my pants size drop, seeing the numbers on the scale go down, and hearing people that haven't seen me in a while notice the weight loss all help in convincing my distorted brain that this is indeed happening.  However, nothing has been as therapeutic as getting rid of the clothes that will no longer stay on my body.  It really felt like a cleansing.  I felt freed from the feelings of inadequacy that my clothes seemed to hold over me.  I didn't even realize until I was stuffing the 4 trash bags with my past, but those clothes really held me to a mentality that no matter what I wore, I would still not be attractive.  No matter how many layers, how much I spent on the clothes - I never felt "good" about how I looked.  I was satisfied, I was complacent with knowing that I was not hideous.  But the clothes I stuffed my body into became a safety blanket, of sorts.  I feel like I am not explaining this fully, but hopefully someone will understand.

Woah nelly!! My emotions have been all over the place.  Seriously.  When I say you find out who truly loves you during this process, I am not exaggerating by any means.  I feel great most days, and I am super happy.  But there are times I feel my psyche fighting the change.  I still feel sometimes like I am betraying myself.  Maybe I was fooling myself when I thought I was confident and secure in who I was.  My motivations and intentions seem to be a bit fluid at times.  I am still quite confident that the reason I fully committed to this path was generally for health reasons.  So that my body can be healthy and strong enough to support life.  My mind plays tricks on me at times, though.  Even though I may not have been as happy with my physical appearance as I thought I was, I am completely confident in my overall make-up.  I know I am not a vain person.  I know that I see beauty in every person I meet, and that will not change.  I actually feel pretty fragile and insecure most days.  I know this will change, I'm a strong woman and this will not break me.  But I am entitled to crawl into my shell and surround myself with positive people while I re-gain my strength.  I do not do well with hateful or negative people in general, but I'm especially susceptible to negative feelings right now.  The fat kid inside of me is pissed I'm getting rid of my protective layers.  Now I have to figure out how to feel secure without them.

I just want to end this by saying how I am humbled by your support.  You continue to inspire me, and restore my faith in humanity.  Your kind words, thoughts, prayers and positive energy  have carried me through some of the darkest days.  I take everything to heart, good or bad and most of you have done nothing but showered me with love and support.  I would have never imagined what an impact you all could have on me.  I thank you wholeheartedly.  I can only hope that each one of you go through a journey in your life where you are shown by your fellow human beings how kind and compassionate people are capable of being.  It is truly a life-altering experience.  Until next time, I wish you love and happiness.
<3

And another one down

I haven't done this whole blog thing in a while. My apologies to you who actually keep up with it. I have passed another goal - I am now under 300 lbs!!! Yes!! I just reached this milestone this week. I now weigh 298 lbs. Did you see that 2!! My weight starts with a 2?!?! Crazy!

Today I put on a size 24 for the first time (the first few pictures below). I have never been in a size 24 as an adult. Now... having said all of this, let me tell you exactly what's been going on with me. First of all, let me just say that even though I see the scale going down and I am getting countless compliments every day, I've never felt more fat and unattractive. I know - strange, huh? Maybe it's just a phase, I surely hope so. I do not want to sound unappreciative - I completely understand how fortunate I am. I know that it is a mental hang up, perhaps due to all the attention and stress I've been putting on the scale and watching my body. I've never really paid much attention to my "rolls" or my fat. And now I seem to be examining them constantly,... Oh! I've lost a back roll - seemingly overnight! Anyway - I digress - I think just constantly feeling my body and trying to notice changes is driving me a little batty.

This whole losing weight thing is a strange beast. I honestly cannot see my body shrinking. I think I look pretty much the same. Now, I'm not completely blind - like the before mentioned back roll that disappeared - I can obviously rationalize that if rolls are disappearing and the scale keeps going down, then I'm losing weight. I can tell things feel differently. I can see sagging skin, but it doesn't feel much different than fat. I'm not trying to be a whiney baby - I just want to be completely honest. And surprisingly, losing weight has not solved my money problems, has not cured my personality "hang - ups", and most definitately has not turned everyone else into smart and kind people. Meaning, losing weight is just that. I always thought my whole problem was that I was fat. If I could fix that, my life would be perfect. Guess what? There is no magical fairy that skinny people (not that I am skinny) have to make everything more tolerable. Damn!

That aside, I do have more energy. I notice myself sitting in positions I could not previously convince my body to do. I cross my legs because it's comfortable, I remember wanting and trying so hard to sit with my legs crossed and it just being too uncomfortable. There are also other "actvities" which have significantly gotten more interesting. let's just say my body does a whole lot more than it used to. I am super excited about this whole process. I am humbled by the support I've gotten - I just hope I move through this "not good enough" phase I'm going through right now. I am trying to take this whole period in my life one day at a time and breathe. Enjoy the small things, celebrate my accomplishments, and never ever take for granted what I've been blessed with.

It's just me

Time is flying by much too quickly for my liking. I was reading back through the older blogs and I can hardly remember all that pain and suffering. I'm settling into my new life. I say new because things really are much different. I was getting frustrated by the portions I could eat. It was like seeing a whole plate of your favorite food and only being allowed to eat one bite of it. Forced self-control.

But now, it is easier. And every day that goes by things just get a little bit more normal, the new normal. Instead of getting frustrated at the amount I can eat, I just enjoy the bites I can take and then occupy my mind with something else. Usually talking - I LOVE socializing. It also helps that I have friends that love finishing my plate for me! That gets rid of the "finish your plate because there are starving children in Ethiopia" guilt that rings in my head at throwing away left overs. There ARE starving children, but this child is full!

People around me are getting used to things as well. I'm also getting such good advice and suggestions from all directions. I love it. No one has been judgemental or preachy about things, either. I find myself becoming pretty knowledgeable on food and exercise these days. It's odd. I still get the looks from strangers when I only eat a few bites. I can only imagine the thoughts - "I KNOW that girl can eat more than that!". Or when I say I do yoga the "uh huh, sure" looks I get. But people that know me and have walked on this journey with me, willingly listen to the things that are working for me. Please understand I am in no way downing myself with these comments, I'm just being real. As an overweight person my whole life, I've heard enough comments and have had enough of my own thoughts and reactions to people - I know how the brain works. Everyone judges books by their covers, even when it isn't who we are to do so. If that makes sense to anyone.

I would recommend to any of you going through this process and who are not married, to not date during this stage. Get used to your changing body, and take this time for yourself. Get yourself in order and try to focus on what serves you best. I have been letting other peoples problems and the pull to meet someone get in the way of my goals. I have to constantly remind myself that I am changing everything about the way my life has worked for the past 33 years. Now is not the time to start piling on new stress, responsibilities, or to commit yourself to anything other than reaching your goals. Find the time to settle into this new person who you've given birth to, quite literally.

This whole process my doctors and people in my life have reminded me how this whole process is very similar to child birth. I like to point out to them that I do not have a baby at the end. But, I just realized typing that last paragraph, that in some way I do have a new being... it's just me. From start I had to eat baby food and protein drinks to get used to my new stomach. Then slowly added soft foods, then small amounts of regular food. Still no sodas or beer (boo) - just like a baby going through the stages of eating. Huh. Interesting realization.

I hope you are all well on this Martin Luther King, Jr. day. Take the time to read a few quotes from a great man. It will feed your soul.

Bad scale!

I had my one month check up yesterday 12/03/2012. It was technically more like a month and half, but I'm not going to argue the details. Let me start this little story off by saying for the past two weeks my goal has been to get to 350 lbs so that I can weigh on a "regular" scale. I've been stepping on that damn scale every day and every day I've been heart broken when the big fat "E" displays. E meaning "you're too fat to be weighed with this scale". I asked my mom "are you sure this scale works??" with hope in my voice... "it works to weigh me" she says. Sad. So, every day, I cross my fingers and step on the scale only to have it silently scream "E!" at me.

I've been dreading this doctors appointment. I had all my excuses about the holiday treats I've been eating and how people at work basically held me down and stuffed cookies, candy, and other fattening treats down my throat. I even figured if I promise to do better this month that maybe he wouldn't be too mad and write me off as being the only one who failed at losing weight after a weight LOSS surgery. Reggie (the nurse) calls me back and I slowly walk toward the digital scales we stop at every appointment. I step up and the scale starts calculating my weight. Just as I am about to start stammering out my explainations to Reggie 343.6 pops up on the scale! What?! WTH!?! I totally missed reaching my first goal!! He reads my face and asks if I am surprised by the number. I am surprised, excited, and relieved all at once. I am floating on cloud 9 through the whole rest of the visit. Doctor Smith tells me how happy he is with my progress. Wow! This is a COMPLETELY different appointment than I had anticipated.

Everything else about the appointment went just fine as well. I explained that I took myself off of all the medications he gave me for nausea, bowel movements, and the strange smells/tastes I had. He said that was perfectly fine since I have been feeling better. We made another apointment for the end of February where he will take blood to show my levels. And that was it! Over - sweet! So now I know... if I eat a bunch of junk I will feel bad, and it will slow my weight loss, but I will still lose weight. Get out of jail free card? Not so much... it really isn't worth the crappy feeling the next day.

So that is 37 lbs since my surgery 54 lbs since July. Not too shabby... I do not think I've lost 54 lbs in an entire year ever, much less half a year. So now I need to relax, treat my body well, and just have faith that this whole process is going to work for me. All of my hard work and diligence has actually shown some results - go figure!

My boo face

Happy New Year!! I'm not a huge fan of new years resolutions, so I'm just going to take this time to reflect on the previous year and concentrate on the things I want to change. I woke up this morning and took my vitamins (which I have NOT been doing) and ate a healthy breakfast of one egg and some grapes. I had the traditional black eyed peas and collard greens for lunch, then beef stew for dinner. For my snacks I had a protein bar and a piece of celery and peanut butter. I have to keep the protein up, so if any of you have any suggestions or recipes that are high in protein, by all means share :)


My co workers have really been noticing my weight loss this past week. That's good - that means I haven't gained too much from all the Christmas goodies. I did have a glass of champagne for the count down last night. One champagne flute of pink bubbly made me all red in the face and pretty close to drunk. It was my first taste of alcohol since my surgery. My surgeon recommends not drinking at all after a wls. This is due to your lower tolerance and a lot of wls patients become addicted to alcohol after having the surgery. I'm not very worried about that - but I do have to watch it with the carbonation. Carbonation can stretch your new stomach. I'll have to find a good mixed drink to sip on for other special occasions. However, I don't think I'll be drinking until the drunk stage very often, if at all. I prefer to have my witts about me.


I feel much better and can feel myself just relaxing and feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't aware I was at all uncomfortable in my skin, but just like a frog doesn't know it's being boiled ... OK, no that doesn't work. But I guess you get what I am trying to say. Something about frogs and weight loss. I feel more beautiful. Now, I am not in any way saying that I'm more beautiful because I am smaller. I feel more beautiful because I feel like I am accomplishing something that I set out to do. I've never really done that before. I've always had the best intentions to do something or make some change but I lack follow-through. This is why I think the weight loss surgery was the best option for me. I am not really "allowed" to not follow through.


I am beginning to feel some strange feelings/emotions. I feel like there is a part of me that is fighting tooth and nail to keep on this outer layer of protection. I am working slowly to truly realize my ability to protect myself has less to do with my threatening frame and more to do with my attitude. Being kind, compassionate, and loving at times counteracts my "I don't take shit" persona I want to reflect. Maybe all these tattoos will scare off the bullies - GRR!! I can only hope they don't stop to read "Love is all you need" and the pretty butterflies that adorn my body. Maybe I can get a huge skull and crossbones tat'd on my face. Yea?

Sugar is the devil

Happy Holidays!!

This Holiday season has been especially tough, okay it hasn't because I've eaten anything I've wanted to - just in very tiny quantities. So, as you can imagine, I haven't lost as much... well, any weight in the last 2 weeks. I was in denial. I heard the words "why am I not losing weight" coming out of my mouth as I was stuffing white chocolate chip brownies in. Make sense? Nope. Even though I do not absorb a lot of the FAT I take in, the sugar is the key. I am okay at standing still for these next few days, but back on the wagon come January. I refuse to miss out on all those Holiday treats, especially since Thanksgiving was so terrible. Judge me if you will, but you better have a small booty before you do... glass houses and all.

I love how I've started to have conversations with myself in this blog - perhaps more of a journal of a woman losing her mind rather than losing weight. I've never really blogged with the purpose of people actually reading it, so it's weird talking to nameless faces. I like it, though. I'm at work - and as I was just typing this a co-worker came by to tell me how "skinny" I am. Now, I know people mean in comparison to my former self, but this just seems so odd to hear. I have NEVER in my entire life been called skinny. And you should see the faces of by-standers who have no idea that I was bigger when someone calls ME skinny. It's a hoot!

Anyway... happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever it is you are doing at the end of the year - may you be happy and prosperous in the new year!!

Keepin' on

I've been silent lately. I chose to include you all in on my journey, so I should be including you all in on everything... but I tend to go into a shell when things get real.

My doctor told me to expect to feel like a pregnant woman for a few months because the stomach controls hormones. Real quick... do you know how to make a whore moan? Don't pay her. I think of that joke every time I say the word hormone. So I've been a bit all over the place. Mostly happy, though. People at work are starting to notice the weight loss, in certain things I wear. That's good, right? I feel like I'm sort of at a stand still, though. I lost 28 lbs really fast, the first 2 weeks after the surgery. But I was super sick and not eating at all. So, of course...I gained some of those lbs back after I got better and started eating real food. I'm almost back down to that weight - but i feel like it's back tracking. Could I be the one person this surgery doesn't work for? What if everyone has this huge expectation of some great event that never takes place? All the things I have planned for my new body... what if I never get to do those things?

The people at work have been amazing. I've been humbled and grateful by the enormous amount of support all my friends and trannies (I work for AirTRAN - for you slow people) and family. I cannot stress enough how important a support system is and will be to someone making a huge life-altering decision such as wls. I am incredibly independent and can do anything on my own, but I am not so sure I would have made it this far without the support I have gotten. I feel more loved and blessed than words could possibly describe.

My first day back at work...

Never a comfortable subject (Graphic and yucky)

The same day as my PICC line placement (Tues Nov. 15th the day before surgery) I was to start my colon cleanse. Now, I've never had any type of surgery or colonoscopy or any such procedure. So, when I thought - ok, I'll poo a few times since I've been on liquids for two days now and then i'll be done, no big deal. Right? Wrong. My PICC line was done about 1:30 and I was to drink the citrus nitrate at 2 p.m. exactly. I had a support group meeting I had to attend that night at 6:30. I'm no math major, but 4.5 hours of pooping seems plenty enough to clean out any one colon.

My mom and I leave Kennestone and head to my aunt Dot's house where we'll be staying the night. We get there pretty much at 2 p.m. exactly, so as soon as we arrive I drink my tasty (not at all) little drink and start getting settled into the room I'll be sleeping in for the night. It was just too long of a drive back at 6:30 the next morning when my aunt lives 20 minutes from the hospital. I am pretty prepared, I get little blue packages of toddler wipes for my bum as instructed by my best friend and fellow bariatric patient. I lay on the bed to take a nap and wait on poo-fest 2011. I fall asleep and about 5 minutes later I feel a rumbly in my tumbly. Cool, the drink is working. I begin pooing at about 2:30 ish. Now remember, I have only been drinking clear liquids such as chicken broth and SF popsicles for a couple of days. Now the first few trips to the bathroom are very close together, just as I walk out of the door I must turn right back around - then the trips begin to slow a bit. Ahh... no problem, I've got this. 5 or 6 times at this point, no problem. I start to read my book and get settled into the routine of cleaning out my colon.

FOUR hours later it is time to go to the support group meeting. I take a trip to the bathroom then leave right away so that I can make it to the building before having to go again. I get to the building and run inside just making in time before my body decides its going then and there. I do not recommend joining a group of people in public while doing a colon cleanse. Luckily this group of people had either had the surgery or were going to have it, so they knew exactly what was going on. It was just quite unfortunate timing that I had to attend this the night before my surgery while doing this shit - literally. I'm up and down the entire meeting while getting knowing smiles from the people who have done this before. At one point people were in the single stall bathroom so I had to stand by... NOT a fun thing when you aren't really getting to decide when to go. Out comes a lady and sees my face and remembers my colon cleanse was tonight - "Oh honey, gooo!! can I get you anything?". Really? Like what are you going to get someone who is about to poo themselves besides out of the damn way! :)

I will spare you the full details - but my bum was not a happy camper. I recommend diaper rash ointment, baby wipes, and a night at home for those of you going through this step. The dreaded poo fest was finally over about 11:30 pm. Yes - count up the hours.

After all this I had to take a shower with this special cleaner to help prevent infections during the surgery. I could not get the PICC line wet, so my mom had to pretty much bathe me. Yep, this was a new experience for me. I haven't had anyone bathe me in a non erotic (sorry, but its true) nature since becoming an adult. Very odd experience, and it had to be repeated the next morning before we left for the hospital. Those of you luckily married people will probably fare better during this step.

Fair, partly cloudy (UPDATED - pics slightly graphic)

I am now playing catch-up. These past few days have been a whirl wind, I hardly feel like they actually happened at all. On Tuesday 11-15, I woke up super early and headed out with my mom toward Kennestone for my PICC line placement. I might mention now that this whole time the one thing I've been most nervous about was this damn PICC line. I was told they numbed the area the line is inserted on your arm, but you can still feel it travel up your vein toward your heart. Sounds delightful, right? I march on. I had already registered for everything the week before, so the process was super painless. If I haven't before, I want to take the time now to mention how wonderful all of the staff at Kennestone Hospital (http://www.wellstar.org/ws_content/ws_hospitals.aspx?id=396) are. I have never experienced such caring, thoughtful, and professional people anywhere, ever. So, I was already registered and just had to wait for them to call me back. I brought along my book The Help by Kathyryn Stockett. I am currently at this moment in time still on chapter 1. My eyes would re-read the same sentence over and over. My mom's questions of "are you nervous" and "you okay?" didn't exactly help me loosen up, either. Finally, a nice middle-aged lady with a friendly smile called my name. I would like to make up a name here or pretend she didn't tell me, but I cannot recall for the life of me what this wonderfully nice nurse's name was.

She takes me into a room and suddenly my heart begins to beat faster. THIS IS AN OPERATING ROOM!! I think she read my terror through my eyes because she comfortingly told me that all types of procedures were done in here, "don't worry". I asked her to explain to me exactly what they were going to do. Just as she was about to talk, the tech assisting the doctor walked in. I saw stars. Or bluejays .. or whatever the hell you are supposed to see when a really hot guy enters the room. He had tattoos and the biggest smile you have ever seen. He shook my hand and immediately started talking to me as if we knew each other. Yes, I know this is how he keeps people calm, and I know he would have talked to me the same should I have been a 50 year old man standing there - but let me have my fantasy, damn it! I immediately flip on my funny self (I do realize I may be a bit biased, but this is my blog). His name was Wes. I am ashamed that I remember Mr. Tattoo's name and not nice nurse. I digress, the pair of them put me into immediate ease and before I know it they have me laying on an operating table and wrapped in warm snuggly blankets. This operating room was freezing, so as not to breed germs I am assuming. There is some sort of southern rock playing in the back ground and Wes is asking me questions about where I'm from and throwing in "PC" curse words like Damn and Shit. Probably to make himself seem cool while relaxing the patient at the same time. Who cares, it worked.

The doctor (again, forget the name) comes in and he's very easy going and informative. Starts calling me darling and sweetie while speaking in soothing tones. Explained that I would feel the needle in the sensitive part of my upper arm, but that would be the most painful part of the procedure, he promised. "A quick pinch" he says and I wince as a hot poker is pushed into my arm. Okay, not a hot poker, more like a very angry bumble bee. The doctor and his crew are still talking to me about all kinds of random things such as the town I was born in and my name. I feel my arm jerking back and forth then begin to feel like a string is being flossed through the inside of my arm. My heart starts to beat really fast and I feel this flutter in my chest. I ask them what was going on and if I could see the monitor. They eagerly show me the monitor and explain what is going on. I saw the line as it neared my heart and my heart do these little spasms. It was cool and horrifying at the same time. Then it was over.

They put a dressing on the actual wound and put a net over the ports to hold them in place. My instructions were to not get it wet, because infection could set up "really quick". That was it - it was done. The beautiful bracelets below are from the PICC line insertion and the other one is for the blood bank, I had 4 on my arms before I left the hospital. The pics below are one with the netting to hold the PICC lines in place and one without so you can see detail - sorry ;) Pardon the long winded-ness of this post. Pain medication makes me a bit chatty ;) Stay tuned for details regarding my colon cleanse! You don't want to miss that!!

And it begins

Today is the day it all begins. No more solid foods. I am supposed to only drink liquids today - protein drinks, water, decaf tea/coffee, sugar free popsicles, soup broth, etc. Going shopping with mom to get last minute stuffs so when we get home from the hospital, I am all set. I am sort of on auto pilot. I am trying to follow the doctors orders to the "T" so there are no surprises. Tomorrow I am on clear liquids only and then I do a colon cleanse. Fun, fun. I am feeling especially fat today even though the scale says I'm pretty much the same as I have been for a week or so.

I had these strange sensations/thoughts last night. Almost like my "fat" self is upset at me for getting this surgery. I put in some really hard work to become self confident and to see my beauty even if there were some people who couldn't see it. So now, going and making this radical change to my body feels a bit like a betrayal. "You are perfect just the way you are, but I'm going to change you". That's how I am feeling. Logically I know why I am doing this. Not because I'm not enough now, not because I want other people to think I'm beautiful, but because I want to be more healthy and safely start a family when I meet my Mr. Right. There is a part of me that thinks it's going to be a bit easier to find that Mr. Right, as well. But will I be okay thinking this person may not have been with me pre surgery? All things I think about.

This all seems so surreal. I think tomorrow when I get my PICC line put in, this will feel more like it's going to happen. I keep waiting for a phone call saying "oops, sorry - we can't do this for you". I still have a hard time imagining good or life changing things happening to me. This is my first step in knowing I deserve the best I can do. I cannot express how much the support of my friends and family means to me. Encouraging words are carrying me through this stage, otherwise I may just fall down.

Okay, I'm going to get my day started.... enjoy yours as well!!

For starters

I meant to get this thing started sooner, but my well intentions do not always come to fruition, unfortunately.

I am starting this blog to be completely honest and sincere with my feelings and emotions as I go through this process. I guess I need to start from the beginning. My name is January and I am having weight loss surgery in three days. I have chosen to have the Gastric Sleeve with Duodenal Switch - or just "DS". http://www.advancedobesitysurgery.com/duodenalswitch.asp (you can visit this address to see details on the procedure) I chose this particular procedure because I believe it is the best one for me. It tends to have more weight loss and less chance of regaining the weight. However, it is a more complicated surgery and there are risks. I will have to take vitamins for the rest of my life and get yearly bloodwork/check ups to make sure my body is absorbing what it should. Please be forewarned I will not be censoring myself in subsequent posts, so if you are easily offended or just do not want to know the full details of something, you may want to skip past the blogs that have the *GRAPHIC* warning attached to the title.

I somehow chose to make this journey very public without realizing it. I began telling everyone what was happening and even started revealing my actual weight. I'm not sure where this person came from, I've always been pretty guarded. But slowly I started talking to people and sharing these very intimate details about my life. Suddenly, I've invited anyone who has an interest to join in this ride with me. I have been amazed and humbled by the amazing support and love people have shown me. I would not have been brave enough to walk this path alone, I am truly blessed.

This night, the weekend before my surgery, I find myself bombarded by changing emotions. I am scared, excited, disconnected, sad, happy, nervous, and confident all at the same time. I have a little "me" in the back of my head saying "it's not too late... just cancel now". But I know this is not my true voice. I have never been so thorough and calculated in any move I've made my entire life. I've been researching this surgery (and all the others) for at least five years now. I have weighed *no pun intended* all the pros and cons more times than I can recall at this moment. I have no idea what changes lay ahead of me - but like the title of my blog suggests, Tabula Rasa - blank slate. A whole new book in this library I'm building of my life. I am excited and a bit tentative about sharing all of this with whoever choses to read this. Please be forewarned this will not be all cupcakes and sunshine, life is never that pretty.

Please feel free to send emails with any questions or requests for information. Thank you for taking the time to read a little about this - and I hope you chose to come back.

This picture is me today - weight 378 lbs