Never a comfortable subject (Graphic and yucky)

The same day as my PICC line placement (Tues Nov. 15th the day before surgery) I was to start my colon cleanse. Now, I've never had any type of surgery or colonoscopy or any such procedure. So, when I thought - ok, I'll poo a few times since I've been on liquids for two days now and then i'll be done, no big deal. Right? Wrong. My PICC line was done about 1:30 and I was to drink the citrus nitrate at 2 p.m. exactly. I had a support group meeting I had to attend that night at 6:30. I'm no math major, but 4.5 hours of pooping seems plenty enough to clean out any one colon.

My mom and I leave Kennestone and head to my aunt Dot's house where we'll be staying the night. We get there pretty much at 2 p.m. exactly, so as soon as we arrive I drink my tasty (not at all) little drink and start getting settled into the room I'll be sleeping in for the night. It was just too long of a drive back at 6:30 the next morning when my aunt lives 20 minutes from the hospital. I am pretty prepared, I get little blue packages of toddler wipes for my bum as instructed by my best friend and fellow bariatric patient. I lay on the bed to take a nap and wait on poo-fest 2011. I fall asleep and about 5 minutes later I feel a rumbly in my tumbly. Cool, the drink is working. I begin pooing at about 2:30 ish. Now remember, I have only been drinking clear liquids such as chicken broth and SF popsicles for a couple of days. Now the first few trips to the bathroom are very close together, just as I walk out of the door I must turn right back around - then the trips begin to slow a bit. Ahh... no problem, I've got this. 5 or 6 times at this point, no problem. I start to read my book and get settled into the routine of cleaning out my colon.

FOUR hours later it is time to go to the support group meeting. I take a trip to the bathroom then leave right away so that I can make it to the building before having to go again. I get to the building and run inside just making in time before my body decides its going then and there. I do not recommend joining a group of people in public while doing a colon cleanse. Luckily this group of people had either had the surgery or were going to have it, so they knew exactly what was going on. It was just quite unfortunate timing that I had to attend this the night before my surgery while doing this shit - literally. I'm up and down the entire meeting while getting knowing smiles from the people who have done this before. At one point people were in the single stall bathroom so I had to stand by... NOT a fun thing when you aren't really getting to decide when to go. Out comes a lady and sees my face and remembers my colon cleanse was tonight - "Oh honey, gooo!! can I get you anything?". Really? Like what are you going to get someone who is about to poo themselves besides out of the damn way! :)

I will spare you the full details - but my bum was not a happy camper. I recommend diaper rash ointment, baby wipes, and a night at home for those of you going through this step. The dreaded poo fest was finally over about 11:30 pm. Yes - count up the hours.

After all this I had to take a shower with this special cleaner to help prevent infections during the surgery. I could not get the PICC line wet, so my mom had to pretty much bathe me. Yep, this was a new experience for me. I haven't had anyone bathe me in a non erotic (sorry, but its true) nature since becoming an adult. Very odd experience, and it had to be repeated the next morning before we left for the hospital. Those of you luckily married people will probably fare better during this step.

Fair, partly cloudy (UPDATED - pics slightly graphic)

I am now playing catch-up. These past few days have been a whirl wind, I hardly feel like they actually happened at all. On Tuesday 11-15, I woke up super early and headed out with my mom toward Kennestone for my PICC line placement. I might mention now that this whole time the one thing I've been most nervous about was this damn PICC line. I was told they numbed the area the line is inserted on your arm, but you can still feel it travel up your vein toward your heart. Sounds delightful, right? I march on. I had already registered for everything the week before, so the process was super painless. If I haven't before, I want to take the time now to mention how wonderful all of the staff at Kennestone Hospital (http://www.wellstar.org/ws_content/ws_hospitals.aspx?id=396) are. I have never experienced such caring, thoughtful, and professional people anywhere, ever. So, I was already registered and just had to wait for them to call me back. I brought along my book The Help by Kathyryn Stockett. I am currently at this moment in time still on chapter 1. My eyes would re-read the same sentence over and over. My mom's questions of "are you nervous" and "you okay?" didn't exactly help me loosen up, either. Finally, a nice middle-aged lady with a friendly smile called my name. I would like to make up a name here or pretend she didn't tell me, but I cannot recall for the life of me what this wonderfully nice nurse's name was.

She takes me into a room and suddenly my heart begins to beat faster. THIS IS AN OPERATING ROOM!! I think she read my terror through my eyes because she comfortingly told me that all types of procedures were done in here, "don't worry". I asked her to explain to me exactly what they were going to do. Just as she was about to talk, the tech assisting the doctor walked in. I saw stars. Or bluejays .. or whatever the hell you are supposed to see when a really hot guy enters the room. He had tattoos and the biggest smile you have ever seen. He shook my hand and immediately started talking to me as if we knew each other. Yes, I know this is how he keeps people calm, and I know he would have talked to me the same should I have been a 50 year old man standing there - but let me have my fantasy, damn it! I immediately flip on my funny self (I do realize I may be a bit biased, but this is my blog). His name was Wes. I am ashamed that I remember Mr. Tattoo's name and not nice nurse. I digress, the pair of them put me into immediate ease and before I know it they have me laying on an operating table and wrapped in warm snuggly blankets. This operating room was freezing, so as not to breed germs I am assuming. There is some sort of southern rock playing in the back ground and Wes is asking me questions about where I'm from and throwing in "PC" curse words like Damn and Shit. Probably to make himself seem cool while relaxing the patient at the same time. Who cares, it worked.

The doctor (again, forget the name) comes in and he's very easy going and informative. Starts calling me darling and sweetie while speaking in soothing tones. Explained that I would feel the needle in the sensitive part of my upper arm, but that would be the most painful part of the procedure, he promised. "A quick pinch" he says and I wince as a hot poker is pushed into my arm. Okay, not a hot poker, more like a very angry bumble bee. The doctor and his crew are still talking to me about all kinds of random things such as the town I was born in and my name. I feel my arm jerking back and forth then begin to feel like a string is being flossed through the inside of my arm. My heart starts to beat really fast and I feel this flutter in my chest. I ask them what was going on and if I could see the monitor. They eagerly show me the monitor and explain what is going on. I saw the line as it neared my heart and my heart do these little spasms. It was cool and horrifying at the same time. Then it was over.

They put a dressing on the actual wound and put a net over the ports to hold them in place. My instructions were to not get it wet, because infection could set up "really quick". That was it - it was done. The beautiful bracelets below are from the PICC line insertion and the other one is for the blood bank, I had 4 on my arms before I left the hospital. The pics below are one with the netting to hold the PICC lines in place and one without so you can see detail - sorry ;) Pardon the long winded-ness of this post. Pain medication makes me a bit chatty ;) Stay tuned for details regarding my colon cleanse! You don't want to miss that!!

And it begins

Today is the day it all begins. No more solid foods. I am supposed to only drink liquids today - protein drinks, water, decaf tea/coffee, sugar free popsicles, soup broth, etc. Going shopping with mom to get last minute stuffs so when we get home from the hospital, I am all set. I am sort of on auto pilot. I am trying to follow the doctors orders to the "T" so there are no surprises. Tomorrow I am on clear liquids only and then I do a colon cleanse. Fun, fun. I am feeling especially fat today even though the scale says I'm pretty much the same as I have been for a week or so.

I had these strange sensations/thoughts last night. Almost like my "fat" self is upset at me for getting this surgery. I put in some really hard work to become self confident and to see my beauty even if there were some people who couldn't see it. So now, going and making this radical change to my body feels a bit like a betrayal. "You are perfect just the way you are, but I'm going to change you". That's how I am feeling. Logically I know why I am doing this. Not because I'm not enough now, not because I want other people to think I'm beautiful, but because I want to be more healthy and safely start a family when I meet my Mr. Right. There is a part of me that thinks it's going to be a bit easier to find that Mr. Right, as well. But will I be okay thinking this person may not have been with me pre surgery? All things I think about.

This all seems so surreal. I think tomorrow when I get my PICC line put in, this will feel more like it's going to happen. I keep waiting for a phone call saying "oops, sorry - we can't do this for you". I still have a hard time imagining good or life changing things happening to me. This is my first step in knowing I deserve the best I can do. I cannot express how much the support of my friends and family means to me. Encouraging words are carrying me through this stage, otherwise I may just fall down.

Okay, I'm going to get my day started.... enjoy yours as well!!

For starters

I meant to get this thing started sooner, but my well intentions do not always come to fruition, unfortunately.

I am starting this blog to be completely honest and sincere with my feelings and emotions as I go through this process. I guess I need to start from the beginning. My name is January and I am having weight loss surgery in three days. I have chosen to have the Gastric Sleeve with Duodenal Switch - or just "DS". http://www.advancedobesitysurgery.com/duodenalswitch.asp (you can visit this address to see details on the procedure) I chose this particular procedure because I believe it is the best one for me. It tends to have more weight loss and less chance of regaining the weight. However, it is a more complicated surgery and there are risks. I will have to take vitamins for the rest of my life and get yearly bloodwork/check ups to make sure my body is absorbing what it should. Please be forewarned I will not be censoring myself in subsequent posts, so if you are easily offended or just do not want to know the full details of something, you may want to skip past the blogs that have the *GRAPHIC* warning attached to the title.

I somehow chose to make this journey very public without realizing it. I began telling everyone what was happening and even started revealing my actual weight. I'm not sure where this person came from, I've always been pretty guarded. But slowly I started talking to people and sharing these very intimate details about my life. Suddenly, I've invited anyone who has an interest to join in this ride with me. I have been amazed and humbled by the amazing support and love people have shown me. I would not have been brave enough to walk this path alone, I am truly blessed.

This night, the weekend before my surgery, I find myself bombarded by changing emotions. I am scared, excited, disconnected, sad, happy, nervous, and confident all at the same time. I have a little "me" in the back of my head saying "it's not too late... just cancel now". But I know this is not my true voice. I have never been so thorough and calculated in any move I've made my entire life. I've been researching this surgery (and all the others) for at least five years now. I have weighed *no pun intended* all the pros and cons more times than I can recall at this moment. I have no idea what changes lay ahead of me - but like the title of my blog suggests, Tabula Rasa - blank slate. A whole new book in this library I'm building of my life. I am excited and a bit tentative about sharing all of this with whoever choses to read this. Please be forewarned this will not be all cupcakes and sunshine, life is never that pretty.

Please feel free to send emails with any questions or requests for information. Thank you for taking the time to read a little about this - and I hope you chose to come back.

This picture is me today - weight 378 lbs