Sugar is the devil

Happy Holidays!!

This Holiday season has been especially tough, okay it hasn't because I've eaten anything I've wanted to - just in very tiny quantities. So, as you can imagine, I haven't lost as much... well, any weight in the last 2 weeks. I was in denial. I heard the words "why am I not losing weight" coming out of my mouth as I was stuffing white chocolate chip brownies in. Make sense? Nope. Even though I do not absorb a lot of the FAT I take in, the sugar is the key. I am okay at standing still for these next few days, but back on the wagon come January. I refuse to miss out on all those Holiday treats, especially since Thanksgiving was so terrible. Judge me if you will, but you better have a small booty before you do... glass houses and all.

I love how I've started to have conversations with myself in this blog - perhaps more of a journal of a woman losing her mind rather than losing weight. I've never really blogged with the purpose of people actually reading it, so it's weird talking to nameless faces. I like it, though. I'm at work - and as I was just typing this a co-worker came by to tell me how "skinny" I am. Now, I know people mean in comparison to my former self, but this just seems so odd to hear. I have NEVER in my entire life been called skinny. And you should see the faces of by-standers who have no idea that I was bigger when someone calls ME skinny. It's a hoot!

Anyway... happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever it is you are doing at the end of the year - may you be happy and prosperous in the new year!!

Pictures from the post "Aftermath"

Sorry - the formatting isn't working right - here are all the pictures that should go with the post "Aftermath"

Keepin' on

I've been silent lately. I chose to include you all in on my journey, so I should be including you all in on everything... but I tend to go into a shell when things get real.

My doctor told me to expect to feel like a pregnant woman for a few months because the stomach controls hormones. Real quick... do you know how to make a whore moan? Don't pay her. I think of that joke every time I say the word hormone. So I've been a bit all over the place. Mostly happy, though. People at work are starting to notice the weight loss, in certain things I wear. That's good, right? I feel like I'm sort of at a stand still, though. I lost 28 lbs really fast, the first 2 weeks after the surgery. But I was super sick and not eating at all. So, of course...I gained some of those lbs back after I got better and started eating real food. I'm almost back down to that weight - but i feel like it's back tracking. Could I be the one person this surgery doesn't work for? What if everyone has this huge expectation of some great event that never takes place? All the things I have planned for my new body... what if I never get to do those things?

The people at work have been amazing. I've been humbled and grateful by the enormous amount of support all my friends and trannies (I work for AirTRAN - for you slow people) and family. I cannot stress enough how important a support system is and will be to someone making a huge life-altering decision such as wls. I am incredibly independent and can do anything on my own, but I am not so sure I would have made it this far without the support I have gotten. I feel more loved and blessed than words could possibly describe.

My first day back at work...

Aftermath

When I say these past few days since you've last heard from me have been hell, it's what I imagine hell would be like. I will try to sum it all up in one post so that I can start writing in real time rather than the past.

Let me start by the day I actually remember following the surgery which would be Thursday night. I started actually feeling like myself and could stay awake for a conversation. I felt pretty decent. A bit groggy, but the nausea was being kept at bay by lots and lots of medication. I was able to walk the hallway and they removed the catheter. This last bit not nearly as painful as I had imagined. My mom starting saying I finally looked like January again. I am pretty sure I didn't turn into someone else, but just one of those mom things. I started taking in the amount of fluid and protein they required in these tiny little cups - 50 cc's an hour. The next day Doctor Smith came around and I told him as much - so he told me by the evening (on Friday) I would be discharged. Yay!

At home things went pretty good the first day, I was able to do everything I was supposed to, still not eating anything. This thing is a piece of cake! I had lots of visitors and flowers, cards and even a stuffed bear and coloring book. People were so great - I am not listing detail in fear I will forget someone or something and I would never want to give someone the impression their presence was not greatly appreciated. I cannot stress enough how the positive messages and just knowing so many people were there really helped me through this whole process, and continue to help me today.

Saturday I got thrush. If you do not know what this is - lucky you! Its like having white fuzzy stuff growing on your tongue. It's fun! I think quite possibly the yuckiest feeling I've ever experienced. Nasty. So I called the Dr. and got medicine for that right away. It went away by Monday. Saturday night when I went to lay down for sleep I was feeling terrible. I was tired, nauseous, and ached from head to toe. My mom had to find some anti- nausea medicine and I took a huge dose of my pain liquid medication to finally fall asleep. Once again, I woke up and felt decent, but still just worn out. "You just had major surgery" everyone tells me. Okay, I get that - but I still felt like shit, which I must admit I did not prepare for. I've never really been sick and other than my tonsils being out as a kid, I've never had surgery. It was no picnic. Sunday was a pretty relaxed day, just laid around most of the day - some of my favorite people came to visit. Not too bad overall.

I go to bed on Sunday night and all of a sudden I feel like a truck has hit me and I was going to die at any moment. Now, I do have a flare for the dramatics - but saying I was almost wishing for death is by no means an exaggeration. Again, more pain meds (which I hate) and I was finally able to sleep. I barely wake up at all on Monday, felt terrible all day. At this point I no longer can put anything in my mouth with any flavor at all. As soon as it hit the back of my throat, back up it came. I was getting weaker and weaker. I slept many, many hours to no avail. I continued trying to keep down my water, but I was just crying a lot (depression came fast and quick), feeling terrible, and just staying to myself. This continued pretty much through Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day I sat at the table with the rest of my family and I ate mashed potatoes and took a bite of dressing ( a no,no) and a bite of my mom's sweet potato rings with marshmallows (another no, no). I paid heavily for it that night. I again, took a pill for the nausea and pain medication then went to sleep.

I woke up Friday morning and it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my body literally. I knew immediately upon waking I felt better. Finally, a break! I still couldn't eat much of anything or put certain things in my mouth, but I drank plenty of water and visited with family. My mom and I even got out and went for a walk around the new walking path in Franklin, Ga. It was great to get out! I walked .5 miles then drove around the new rec center and just saw the sites. By the end of the drive I started feeling very tired and ready to be home. This whole time I kept getting strange smell and taste sensations that made me feel sick. My mom chewed a piece of spearmint gum and it gave me a headache and I wanted to throw up. I spent the rest of the night in bed, sleeping and reading. Saturday was the beginning of feeling terrible again. The same things. I often said I took a perfectly healthy body and pretty much destroyed it, that is how I felt. I began feeling like I had made a mistake. Even the comments from people on how much weight I had lost had no meaning to me, I felt like hell. This continues for several days.

Monday was my doctors appointment. I lost 25 lbs since my surgery day. Down to 355 lbs! Pretty neat. I was feeling bad while at the doctors office. I explained everything that was going on, and he gave me some prescriptions and ordered me back to the hospital the next day to get 2 liters of fluids. He also said I would not be returning to work that week, and extended my time off until the following Monday. The rest of the day I rested and tried to take in my fluids. All this time I still have not been able to take my vitamins, protein, nor eat the food I am supposed to. So on Tues 11/29 I went back to Kennestone for the day. I got 2 liters of fluids and vitamins. This took several hours. Not a fun experience, but not terrible - I was thankful there was something to potentially make me feel better. That night I slept 14 hours.

I woke up Wed 11/30 feeling great. I haven't felt that good the whole time. I was able to keep things down, eat what I am supposed to and even got in a lot of protein. I took my doggie, Marley for a walk and was able to really feel present and enjoy my shrinking body. Again, today I woke up and the same thing - feeling great. Walked again and even went to the grocery store on my own. I am not trying to jinx myself, but hopefully this is the beginning of my feeling better. I feel stronger and more able to join in my life again. Only one more week of liquid foods and I can start eating soft foods like pasta, seafood, etc. I am so excited about that. I feel like I've skipped over some pretty important details and if I think of anything in particular I will definitely add more as I remember. But I'm going to try and go back to work on Saturday if this continues. I feel like I've stepped out of a bad dream. I am so thankful for these two days... one step at a time, right?

I have many, many pictures to add to this post which I will do when I get home - tomorrow. Please stay tuned :) As always, thanks so much for encouraging my journey and I hope any information I share will be helpful to anyone considering bariatric surgery.