Sugar is the devil

Happy Holidays!!

This Holiday season has been especially tough, okay it hasn't because I've eaten anything I've wanted to - just in very tiny quantities. So, as you can imagine, I haven't lost as much... well, any weight in the last 2 weeks. I was in denial. I heard the words "why am I not losing weight" coming out of my mouth as I was stuffing white chocolate chip brownies in. Make sense? Nope. Even though I do not absorb a lot of the FAT I take in, the sugar is the key. I am okay at standing still for these next few days, but back on the wagon come January. I refuse to miss out on all those Holiday treats, especially since Thanksgiving was so terrible. Judge me if you will, but you better have a small booty before you do... glass houses and all.

I love how I've started to have conversations with myself in this blog - perhaps more of a journal of a woman losing her mind rather than losing weight. I've never really blogged with the purpose of people actually reading it, so it's weird talking to nameless faces. I like it, though. I'm at work - and as I was just typing this a co-worker came by to tell me how "skinny" I am. Now, I know people mean in comparison to my former self, but this just seems so odd to hear. I have NEVER in my entire life been called skinny. And you should see the faces of by-standers who have no idea that I was bigger when someone calls ME skinny. It's a hoot!

Anyway... happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever it is you are doing at the end of the year - may you be happy and prosperous in the new year!!

Pictures from the post "Aftermath"

Sorry - the formatting isn't working right - here are all the pictures that should go with the post "Aftermath"

Keepin' on

I've been silent lately. I chose to include you all in on my journey, so I should be including you all in on everything... but I tend to go into a shell when things get real.

My doctor told me to expect to feel like a pregnant woman for a few months because the stomach controls hormones. Real quick... do you know how to make a whore moan? Don't pay her. I think of that joke every time I say the word hormone. So I've been a bit all over the place. Mostly happy, though. People at work are starting to notice the weight loss, in certain things I wear. That's good, right? I feel like I'm sort of at a stand still, though. I lost 28 lbs really fast, the first 2 weeks after the surgery. But I was super sick and not eating at all. So, of course...I gained some of those lbs back after I got better and started eating real food. I'm almost back down to that weight - but i feel like it's back tracking. Could I be the one person this surgery doesn't work for? What if everyone has this huge expectation of some great event that never takes place? All the things I have planned for my new body... what if I never get to do those things?

The people at work have been amazing. I've been humbled and grateful by the enormous amount of support all my friends and trannies (I work for AirTRAN - for you slow people) and family. I cannot stress enough how important a support system is and will be to someone making a huge life-altering decision such as wls. I am incredibly independent and can do anything on my own, but I am not so sure I would have made it this far without the support I have gotten. I feel more loved and blessed than words could possibly describe.

My first day back at work...

Aftermath

When I say these past few days since you've last heard from me have been hell, it's what I imagine hell would be like. I will try to sum it all up in one post so that I can start writing in real time rather than the past.

Let me start by the day I actually remember following the surgery which would be Thursday night. I started actually feeling like myself and could stay awake for a conversation. I felt pretty decent. A bit groggy, but the nausea was being kept at bay by lots and lots of medication. I was able to walk the hallway and they removed the catheter. This last bit not nearly as painful as I had imagined. My mom starting saying I finally looked like January again. I am pretty sure I didn't turn into someone else, but just one of those mom things. I started taking in the amount of fluid and protein they required in these tiny little cups - 50 cc's an hour. The next day Doctor Smith came around and I told him as much - so he told me by the evening (on Friday) I would be discharged. Yay!

At home things went pretty good the first day, I was able to do everything I was supposed to, still not eating anything. This thing is a piece of cake! I had lots of visitors and flowers, cards and even a stuffed bear and coloring book. People were so great - I am not listing detail in fear I will forget someone or something and I would never want to give someone the impression their presence was not greatly appreciated. I cannot stress enough how the positive messages and just knowing so many people were there really helped me through this whole process, and continue to help me today.

Saturday I got thrush. If you do not know what this is - lucky you! Its like having white fuzzy stuff growing on your tongue. It's fun! I think quite possibly the yuckiest feeling I've ever experienced. Nasty. So I called the Dr. and got medicine for that right away. It went away by Monday. Saturday night when I went to lay down for sleep I was feeling terrible. I was tired, nauseous, and ached from head to toe. My mom had to find some anti- nausea medicine and I took a huge dose of my pain liquid medication to finally fall asleep. Once again, I woke up and felt decent, but still just worn out. "You just had major surgery" everyone tells me. Okay, I get that - but I still felt like shit, which I must admit I did not prepare for. I've never really been sick and other than my tonsils being out as a kid, I've never had surgery. It was no picnic. Sunday was a pretty relaxed day, just laid around most of the day - some of my favorite people came to visit. Not too bad overall.

I go to bed on Sunday night and all of a sudden I feel like a truck has hit me and I was going to die at any moment. Now, I do have a flare for the dramatics - but saying I was almost wishing for death is by no means an exaggeration. Again, more pain meds (which I hate) and I was finally able to sleep. I barely wake up at all on Monday, felt terrible all day. At this point I no longer can put anything in my mouth with any flavor at all. As soon as it hit the back of my throat, back up it came. I was getting weaker and weaker. I slept many, many hours to no avail. I continued trying to keep down my water, but I was just crying a lot (depression came fast and quick), feeling terrible, and just staying to myself. This continued pretty much through Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day I sat at the table with the rest of my family and I ate mashed potatoes and took a bite of dressing ( a no,no) and a bite of my mom's sweet potato rings with marshmallows (another no, no). I paid heavily for it that night. I again, took a pill for the nausea and pain medication then went to sleep.

I woke up Friday morning and it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my body literally. I knew immediately upon waking I felt better. Finally, a break! I still couldn't eat much of anything or put certain things in my mouth, but I drank plenty of water and visited with family. My mom and I even got out and went for a walk around the new walking path in Franklin, Ga. It was great to get out! I walked .5 miles then drove around the new rec center and just saw the sites. By the end of the drive I started feeling very tired and ready to be home. This whole time I kept getting strange smell and taste sensations that made me feel sick. My mom chewed a piece of spearmint gum and it gave me a headache and I wanted to throw up. I spent the rest of the night in bed, sleeping and reading. Saturday was the beginning of feeling terrible again. The same things. I often said I took a perfectly healthy body and pretty much destroyed it, that is how I felt. I began feeling like I had made a mistake. Even the comments from people on how much weight I had lost had no meaning to me, I felt like hell. This continues for several days.

Monday was my doctors appointment. I lost 25 lbs since my surgery day. Down to 355 lbs! Pretty neat. I was feeling bad while at the doctors office. I explained everything that was going on, and he gave me some prescriptions and ordered me back to the hospital the next day to get 2 liters of fluids. He also said I would not be returning to work that week, and extended my time off until the following Monday. The rest of the day I rested and tried to take in my fluids. All this time I still have not been able to take my vitamins, protein, nor eat the food I am supposed to. So on Tues 11/29 I went back to Kennestone for the day. I got 2 liters of fluids and vitamins. This took several hours. Not a fun experience, but not terrible - I was thankful there was something to potentially make me feel better. That night I slept 14 hours.

I woke up Wed 11/30 feeling great. I haven't felt that good the whole time. I was able to keep things down, eat what I am supposed to and even got in a lot of protein. I took my doggie, Marley for a walk and was able to really feel present and enjoy my shrinking body. Again, today I woke up and the same thing - feeling great. Walked again and even went to the grocery store on my own. I am not trying to jinx myself, but hopefully this is the beginning of my feeling better. I feel stronger and more able to join in my life again. Only one more week of liquid foods and I can start eating soft foods like pasta, seafood, etc. I am so excited about that. I feel like I've skipped over some pretty important details and if I think of anything in particular I will definitely add more as I remember. But I'm going to try and go back to work on Saturday if this continues. I feel like I've stepped out of a bad dream. I am so thankful for these two days... one step at a time, right?

I have many, many pictures to add to this post which I will do when I get home - tomorrow. Please stay tuned :) As always, thanks so much for encouraging my journey and I hope any information I share will be helpful to anyone considering bariatric surgery.

D- Day

Okay so it's finally time... all these months of waiting and preparing. Countless classes, doctors appointments, tests, and conversations explaining what was going to happen - now it's time. I wake up at 4:30 and shower with the before mentioned cleanse. I dress super comfy and my mom braids my hair because it will be a long time before I can do anything to my hair, so I wanted it out of the way. My mom is all ready, I'm ready - our bags are packed. It is now 5:45 and we are still waiting on my aunt. She lives 20 minutes from the hospital but I do not know where I'm supposed to be, not to mention my nerves are a bit frazzled right now. She's taking her sweet time. She is the sweetest, bestest aunt in the whole world - but it takes her forever to get that face and hair ready to see the world. "You never know who I'll see" she says. Ha.

At 6:30 am on the dot we come screeching into the surgical parking at Kennestone hospital. I rush inside and put my name on the list. Me, mom, and aunt Dot sit in the waiting area to be called back. My spirits are pretty high, I'm actually in a good mood and reasonably relaxed. I got a pretty good few hours sleep and I know I'll be knocked out for the surgery, so I'm not too worried. They call us back and we follow the nurse to another waiting area where we drop aunt Dot off to wait some more. My mom is allowed to go back to the surgical area with me. It's a mini hospital room with a sliding curtain and a TV. I'm told to give a urine sample, then remove all my clothes and put on the surgical gown. This gown was no ordinary hospital gown, first off - it was huge! It fit me with plenty of room left over. I was also given these beautiful yellow slippers to use on my feet. The surgical gown had this nifty port on the side which you attached to a hose that blows air through the gown, either hot or cold. I was freezing so I attached the hose and nice warm air circulated around my body. Super cool! Mom and I snapped a few pictures together and we waited about an hour and half in that room just chatting and playing with the hoses and TV.

About 8:15 Doctor Smith, my surgeon, comes in and asks how I am and we ask him any questions we have. He tells me about 8:20 they will be taking me back. These people are on time. The nurses come in and get me hooked up to Tylenol and fluids through the PICC line. They take some blood, and the anesthesia lady comes in and talks to me about the process. She explains I will be very comfortable and she will make sure I'm taken care of. It seems every person I see asks me "What's your name, date of birth, doctor, and what are you having done today" I repeat January Runels, July 10th 1978, Dr Smith, Duodenal Switch with appendectomy and my gall bladder removed about 20 times. They put a patch behind my ear for nausea because I get nauseous very easy and I will no doubt be sick from the anesthesia when I wake up.

They get me all wrapped up and we head out toward the operating room. I say goodbye to my mom and my aunt (she meets us as we are heading out) and I give them one last smile. Everyone is in chipper moods and smiles and waves as I pass by all the different operating rooms and doctors, nurses, and techs. We steer into one of the rooms where a group of people are waiting on us. The anesthesiologist leans over and says - "I just gave you something to help you relax a bit" and I thank her. I say " You guys are about to see part of me I've never seen before" and that was it. I was out.

The next thing I remember I see my mom and brother for a second, then I'm out again. I'm told this was in recovery - the scary picture below with my mouth open. Apparently during surgery something happened to my eye. All I remember was sharp pain, nausea, then sleep every time I woke up. It was like having a stomach virus as soon as you wake up and someone stabbing you in the eye. I would wake up to feeling like I was about to throw up, my eye hurting, and everyone talking to me. This lasted for the entire day, into the next day. I don't remember a whole lot about this time other than feeling very very very sick. I remember people yelling at me to breath and me crying and saying I was going to throw up. I remember my mom being upset and me asking to please not let anyone visit me.

I would like to say I was brave and weathered it out, but I did not. I was miserable. My mom and brother said the doctor told them after the surgery that it was perfect. He had wished he would have recorded the surgery for training purposes because everything went so smooth and everything inside me was exactly where it was supposed to be. Apparently this isn't the case for most obese people. He said my stomach was abnormally large, which also is unusual. They removed my gall bladder, my appendix, and 75% of my stomach. They re-routed my intestines so that my body will not absorb most of the fat I take in. The actual surgery day was a blur and I did not begin to come around until late Thursday evening. Apparently eye injuries are not uncommon during operation, but I still have no idea how it got injured. I was given eye drops constantly and it slowly started feeling better by Thursday night.

Never a comfortable subject (Graphic and yucky)

The same day as my PICC line placement (Tues Nov. 15th the day before surgery) I was to start my colon cleanse. Now, I've never had any type of surgery or colonoscopy or any such procedure. So, when I thought - ok, I'll poo a few times since I've been on liquids for two days now and then i'll be done, no big deal. Right? Wrong. My PICC line was done about 1:30 and I was to drink the citrus nitrate at 2 p.m. exactly. I had a support group meeting I had to attend that night at 6:30. I'm no math major, but 4.5 hours of pooping seems plenty enough to clean out any one colon.

My mom and I leave Kennestone and head to my aunt Dot's house where we'll be staying the night. We get there pretty much at 2 p.m. exactly, so as soon as we arrive I drink my tasty (not at all) little drink and start getting settled into the room I'll be sleeping in for the night. It was just too long of a drive back at 6:30 the next morning when my aunt lives 20 minutes from the hospital. I am pretty prepared, I get little blue packages of toddler wipes for my bum as instructed by my best friend and fellow bariatric patient. I lay on the bed to take a nap and wait on poo-fest 2011. I fall asleep and about 5 minutes later I feel a rumbly in my tumbly. Cool, the drink is working. I begin pooing at about 2:30 ish. Now remember, I have only been drinking clear liquids such as chicken broth and SF popsicles for a couple of days. Now the first few trips to the bathroom are very close together, just as I walk out of the door I must turn right back around - then the trips begin to slow a bit. Ahh... no problem, I've got this. 5 or 6 times at this point, no problem. I start to read my book and get settled into the routine of cleaning out my colon.

FOUR hours later it is time to go to the support group meeting. I take a trip to the bathroom then leave right away so that I can make it to the building before having to go again. I get to the building and run inside just making in time before my body decides its going then and there. I do not recommend joining a group of people in public while doing a colon cleanse. Luckily this group of people had either had the surgery or were going to have it, so they knew exactly what was going on. It was just quite unfortunate timing that I had to attend this the night before my surgery while doing this shit - literally. I'm up and down the entire meeting while getting knowing smiles from the people who have done this before. At one point people were in the single stall bathroom so I had to stand by... NOT a fun thing when you aren't really getting to decide when to go. Out comes a lady and sees my face and remembers my colon cleanse was tonight - "Oh honey, gooo!! can I get you anything?". Really? Like what are you going to get someone who is about to poo themselves besides out of the damn way! :)

I will spare you the full details - but my bum was not a happy camper. I recommend diaper rash ointment, baby wipes, and a night at home for those of you going through this step. The dreaded poo fest was finally over about 11:30 pm. Yes - count up the hours.

After all this I had to take a shower with this special cleaner to help prevent infections during the surgery. I could not get the PICC line wet, so my mom had to pretty much bathe me. Yep, this was a new experience for me. I haven't had anyone bathe me in a non erotic (sorry, but its true) nature since becoming an adult. Very odd experience, and it had to be repeated the next morning before we left for the hospital. Those of you luckily married people will probably fare better during this step.

Fair, partly cloudy (UPDATED - pics slightly graphic)

I am now playing catch-up. These past few days have been a whirl wind, I hardly feel like they actually happened at all. On Tuesday 11-15, I woke up super early and headed out with my mom toward Kennestone for my PICC line placement. I might mention now that this whole time the one thing I've been most nervous about was this damn PICC line. I was told they numbed the area the line is inserted on your arm, but you can still feel it travel up your vein toward your heart. Sounds delightful, right? I march on. I had already registered for everything the week before, so the process was super painless. If I haven't before, I want to take the time now to mention how wonderful all of the staff at Kennestone Hospital (http://www.wellstar.org/ws_content/ws_hospitals.aspx?id=396) are. I have never experienced such caring, thoughtful, and professional people anywhere, ever. So, I was already registered and just had to wait for them to call me back. I brought along my book The Help by Kathyryn Stockett. I am currently at this moment in time still on chapter 1. My eyes would re-read the same sentence over and over. My mom's questions of "are you nervous" and "you okay?" didn't exactly help me loosen up, either. Finally, a nice middle-aged lady with a friendly smile called my name. I would like to make up a name here or pretend she didn't tell me, but I cannot recall for the life of me what this wonderfully nice nurse's name was.

She takes me into a room and suddenly my heart begins to beat faster. THIS IS AN OPERATING ROOM!! I think she read my terror through my eyes because she comfortingly told me that all types of procedures were done in here, "don't worry". I asked her to explain to me exactly what they were going to do. Just as she was about to talk, the tech assisting the doctor walked in. I saw stars. Or bluejays .. or whatever the hell you are supposed to see when a really hot guy enters the room. He had tattoos and the biggest smile you have ever seen. He shook my hand and immediately started talking to me as if we knew each other. Yes, I know this is how he keeps people calm, and I know he would have talked to me the same should I have been a 50 year old man standing there - but let me have my fantasy, damn it! I immediately flip on my funny self (I do realize I may be a bit biased, but this is my blog). His name was Wes. I am ashamed that I remember Mr. Tattoo's name and not nice nurse. I digress, the pair of them put me into immediate ease and before I know it they have me laying on an operating table and wrapped in warm snuggly blankets. This operating room was freezing, so as not to breed germs I am assuming. There is some sort of southern rock playing in the back ground and Wes is asking me questions about where I'm from and throwing in "PC" curse words like Damn and Shit. Probably to make himself seem cool while relaxing the patient at the same time. Who cares, it worked.

The doctor (again, forget the name) comes in and he's very easy going and informative. Starts calling me darling and sweetie while speaking in soothing tones. Explained that I would feel the needle in the sensitive part of my upper arm, but that would be the most painful part of the procedure, he promised. "A quick pinch" he says and I wince as a hot poker is pushed into my arm. Okay, not a hot poker, more like a very angry bumble bee. The doctor and his crew are still talking to me about all kinds of random things such as the town I was born in and my name. I feel my arm jerking back and forth then begin to feel like a string is being flossed through the inside of my arm. My heart starts to beat really fast and I feel this flutter in my chest. I ask them what was going on and if I could see the monitor. They eagerly show me the monitor and explain what is going on. I saw the line as it neared my heart and my heart do these little spasms. It was cool and horrifying at the same time. Then it was over.

They put a dressing on the actual wound and put a net over the ports to hold them in place. My instructions were to not get it wet, because infection could set up "really quick". That was it - it was done. The beautiful bracelets below are from the PICC line insertion and the other one is for the blood bank, I had 4 on my arms before I left the hospital. The pics below are one with the netting to hold the PICC lines in place and one without so you can see detail - sorry ;) Pardon the long winded-ness of this post. Pain medication makes me a bit chatty ;) Stay tuned for details regarding my colon cleanse! You don't want to miss that!!

And it begins

Today is the day it all begins. No more solid foods. I am supposed to only drink liquids today - protein drinks, water, decaf tea/coffee, sugar free popsicles, soup broth, etc. Going shopping with mom to get last minute stuffs so when we get home from the hospital, I am all set. I am sort of on auto pilot. I am trying to follow the doctors orders to the "T" so there are no surprises. Tomorrow I am on clear liquids only and then I do a colon cleanse. Fun, fun. I am feeling especially fat today even though the scale says I'm pretty much the same as I have been for a week or so.

I had these strange sensations/thoughts last night. Almost like my "fat" self is upset at me for getting this surgery. I put in some really hard work to become self confident and to see my beauty even if there were some people who couldn't see it. So now, going and making this radical change to my body feels a bit like a betrayal. "You are perfect just the way you are, but I'm going to change you". That's how I am feeling. Logically I know why I am doing this. Not because I'm not enough now, not because I want other people to think I'm beautiful, but because I want to be more healthy and safely start a family when I meet my Mr. Right. There is a part of me that thinks it's going to be a bit easier to find that Mr. Right, as well. But will I be okay thinking this person may not have been with me pre surgery? All things I think about.

This all seems so surreal. I think tomorrow when I get my PICC line put in, this will feel more like it's going to happen. I keep waiting for a phone call saying "oops, sorry - we can't do this for you". I still have a hard time imagining good or life changing things happening to me. This is my first step in knowing I deserve the best I can do. I cannot express how much the support of my friends and family means to me. Encouraging words are carrying me through this stage, otherwise I may just fall down.

Okay, I'm going to get my day started.... enjoy yours as well!!

For starters

I meant to get this thing started sooner, but my well intentions do not always come to fruition, unfortunately.

I am starting this blog to be completely honest and sincere with my feelings and emotions as I go through this process. I guess I need to start from the beginning. My name is January and I am having weight loss surgery in three days. I have chosen to have the Gastric Sleeve with Duodenal Switch - or just "DS". http://www.advancedobesitysurgery.com/duodenalswitch.asp (you can visit this address to see details on the procedure) I chose this particular procedure because I believe it is the best one for me. It tends to have more weight loss and less chance of regaining the weight. However, it is a more complicated surgery and there are risks. I will have to take vitamins for the rest of my life and get yearly bloodwork/check ups to make sure my body is absorbing what it should. Please be forewarned I will not be censoring myself in subsequent posts, so if you are easily offended or just do not want to know the full details of something, you may want to skip past the blogs that have the *GRAPHIC* warning attached to the title.

I somehow chose to make this journey very public without realizing it. I began telling everyone what was happening and even started revealing my actual weight. I'm not sure where this person came from, I've always been pretty guarded. But slowly I started talking to people and sharing these very intimate details about my life. Suddenly, I've invited anyone who has an interest to join in this ride with me. I have been amazed and humbled by the amazing support and love people have shown me. I would not have been brave enough to walk this path alone, I am truly blessed.

This night, the weekend before my surgery, I find myself bombarded by changing emotions. I am scared, excited, disconnected, sad, happy, nervous, and confident all at the same time. I have a little "me" in the back of my head saying "it's not too late... just cancel now". But I know this is not my true voice. I have never been so thorough and calculated in any move I've made my entire life. I've been researching this surgery (and all the others) for at least five years now. I have weighed *no pun intended* all the pros and cons more times than I can recall at this moment. I have no idea what changes lay ahead of me - but like the title of my blog suggests, Tabula Rasa - blank slate. A whole new book in this library I'm building of my life. I am excited and a bit tentative about sharing all of this with whoever choses to read this. Please be forewarned this will not be all cupcakes and sunshine, life is never that pretty.

Please feel free to send emails with any questions or requests for information. Thank you for taking the time to read a little about this - and I hope you chose to come back.

This picture is me today - weight 378 lbs