And it begins

Today is the day it all begins. No more solid foods. I am supposed to only drink liquids today - protein drinks, water, decaf tea/coffee, sugar free popsicles, soup broth, etc. Going shopping with mom to get last minute stuffs so when we get home from the hospital, I am all set. I am sort of on auto pilot. I am trying to follow the doctors orders to the "T" so there are no surprises. Tomorrow I am on clear liquids only and then I do a colon cleanse. Fun, fun. I am feeling especially fat today even though the scale says I'm pretty much the same as I have been for a week or so.

I had these strange sensations/thoughts last night. Almost like my "fat" self is upset at me for getting this surgery. I put in some really hard work to become self confident and to see my beauty even if there were some people who couldn't see it. So now, going and making this radical change to my body feels a bit like a betrayal. "You are perfect just the way you are, but I'm going to change you". That's how I am feeling. Logically I know why I am doing this. Not because I'm not enough now, not because I want other people to think I'm beautiful, but because I want to be more healthy and safely start a family when I meet my Mr. Right. There is a part of me that thinks it's going to be a bit easier to find that Mr. Right, as well. But will I be okay thinking this person may not have been with me pre surgery? All things I think about.

This all seems so surreal. I think tomorrow when I get my PICC line put in, this will feel more like it's going to happen. I keep waiting for a phone call saying "oops, sorry - we can't do this for you". I still have a hard time imagining good or life changing things happening to me. This is my first step in knowing I deserve the best I can do. I cannot express how much the support of my friends and family means to me. Encouraging words are carrying me through this stage, otherwise I may just fall down.

Okay, I'm going to get my day started.... enjoy yours as well!!